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maybe our problem is we need people’s love to validate ourselves - FH

 Hi.

I've always felt small. In this huge world. I'm getting timid day by day and that seems bad, as for now.

Entah kenapa dari zaman sekolah rendah (I can barely remember my kindergarten's days so let's skip that) until now, jodoh aku kuat dengan orang-orang yang teruji and diuji dengan ujian yang to me, payah dan dasyat. Unthinkable, and definitely if it happens to be my test, I don't know where I stand today. 

And, they are amazing people, subhanallah. 

Yesterday, one of my closed one told me she felt her existence is meaningless. My heart broke when I read her text. What does she mean by her existence doesn't matter? I can give her 1001 reasons why she matters. Why I still kick my ass everyday to get up and live my life as a normal person should do. But hey, this is not about me. It's about her. Her pain. Her struggles. Her scars.

I felt sorry. Always. All I can do is to listen and I have nothing to offer at all when my girls came to me and pour out their feelings, asking me what they should do. 

My life is sederhana. Tak lebih dan tak kurang. Tapi, rasa kosong dan gelap tu tetap ada. Kadang-kadang. It comes and goes. Uninvited. I felt ridiculous to talk it out because hey dayah your friends had it worse than you. You cannot be a sissy and wait for anyone volunteer to pull you out. You live for yourself and it's you who's responsible to decide how you gonna live your life. 

I've tried so hard to stand on my own feet. I'm still learning. But, is it true that we need someone's love to validate ourselves? Does kasih sayang tuhan is not enough? kasih sayang parents? friends? and yourself?

Will they never be enough?

I want to be strong. On my own. So I can rely on myself. and my girls can do the same.