Immured

Hi.

Never have I ever thought that I will dread the fact my long ass weekend were to be spend on my bed (most of the time). Laying down all day long  and watching all silly kpop antics on youtube for hours is not my definition of heaven anymore. 

aM i 0Ld????????? 

or maybe I was just traumatized to allow myself crawled back to my darkest state of mind as at September 2018. It was haunting and I wish not to go back to that state anymore, ever. I got this idea inside my head that I had to achieve or did something other than work to make myself feel better. Otherwise, hours spent in my room will be very enervating and it felt like my soul was being sucked by some unknown force. 

Thought I found a way
Thought I found a way out (Found)
But you never go away (Never go away)
So I guess I gotta stay now

I got four days break actually (GOD BLESS MY MASTA). But, I felt like I will disappoint her and especially myself because it is already Sunday night and I have yet  done anything productive or worth to be highlighted. I am also (very) restless due to the fact that I am penniless right now. ISTG I am not being overly dramatic to announce that hidayah nadwa is super broke at this very moment. As far as I can remember there might be one or two keping wrinkled red not in my purse. And, even after countless time of logging in my bank account, the figure of two digits (only) remains unchanged. With this state, segan oi nak ajak anyone hang out or foodhunting. My mom's home and idk why but I had this guilty conscience to bring her anywhere without me paying. Did I mention that I feared that I will disappoint my masta too. Well, she had assigned me four research topics to be presented. One down three to go. I had finished all three tasks but there are a lot of additional of information that can be inserted and space to be polished aaaaand of course my lazy ass have yet to start working on them  again #notsurprised

This a gentle (read: IMPORTANT TOLONG LA TAUBAT DAYAH) reminder to not buy anything unnecessary again ie patterned saTin shawl that I definitely not always gonna wear it because too fancy for work or too malas to lilit. 

Penniless and fear of being unproductive made me do this. Writing. There's also one soul that kept asking me to write every weekend to feed her soul. Gurl I lost my touch ok, I wrote crappier stuff than my 15 year old self did before. Do not ask me why.

I do not know if it is right or wrong to say this but sadness and happiness has one common ability. It is to enable someone to produce something beautiful. Something tu not limited to song or writing la per se. Anything that can be created and shared to the world. For example, yuna's chapters and her songs during my high school years are soooooooooooooo good and beautifully produced. Some are the result of her heartbreak and some are living proofs that she's very much in love. Ya tuhan when will I discover my talent to create such pretty stuff :')

Then it hit me, a human being is not responsible for other human being’s emotion but I’d like it if my friends share their problems. You don’t have to keep it by yourself and there is nothing wrong with us if we cannot understand others feelings. 

You all are invited to feed your soul with her pieces of thoughts which to me beautifully written although some of them pains me due to the fact that I can do nothing to chase those demons away.

CLICK HERE

It is almost midnight and all I did today was makan tido pergi dobi alam budiman and then watched Birdbox. I'll rate that movie 6 out of 10 and sorry no further elaboration because malas bye. Ok la, I'll talk a bit about the movie even no one's asking eh suka hati aku la. One thing comes to mind after the movie ended, despite all the questions remains unanswered, maternal love is a feeling that I could not comprehend yet but I find it beautiful and unbreakable. Don't watch it if you hate questions or the unseen hehe. 

Goodnight lovelies. Semoga tidur lena.

p/s - I reread this post and oh gosh my writings is similar to my current life. Unorganized and frenzy.